Q: I regret to say that I walked out on my wife and kids several years ago. Since the divorce, I’ve recognized my mistakes and changed my life (including coming to faith). I’d really like to get back in touch with my children, but they want nothing to do with me. How can I reconnect with them?
Jim: On one hand, it’s great to hear that you’ve put your life on a new course. I encourage you to keep moving in that direction. At the same time – and I know this sounds harsh – there’s a reason your kids don’t want anything to do with you: You abandoned them. We all “reap what we sow,” which means dealing with the fallout of our own selfishness and irresponsibility.
So, you need to be realistic and proceed cautiously. Your interest in reestablishing a relationship with your children is understandable and commendable. But you’re going to have to earn the right to make that dream come true. This will require humility, patience and a lot of healing over time.
Before doing anything else, you must ask yourself some tough questions. What’s your real motivation for reconnecting with your children? Do you really have their best interests at heart? Or are you simply trying to get rid of your own feelings of guilt?
Your kids need time and space to reconnect with you if they choose. So, if you sincerely want what’s best for them, let them move toward you at their own pace – which may understandably be slow and cautious. Don’t expect to start with personal visits or phone conversations; apologizing and asking forgiveness through letters or email would be better first.
Acknowledge their pain and anger while assuring them that you’ll respect their wishes regarding reconciliation. If and when they decide that they’re ready to get together with you, you’d be wise to arrange a meeting with the help of an experienced family therapist. You can call us at the number below for referrals. I wish you the best.
Q: My aging mother-in-law is struggling living on her own. My husband feels the best way to honor her is to take her in. Previously she lived with his brother and caused all kinds of problems (she nearly destroyed his marriage). Should I give in to my husband’s wishes even though I think it’s risky for us?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: Your use of “give in” implies that someone loses. Instead, I’d encourage you and your husband to approach this situation as teammates to find a solution you both feel good about. Once you’ve joined forces, identify and talk through your respective concerns. Resist the urge to dismiss or override the other’s feelings; as a team, you’ll win only when both of your needs are heard and addressed. Your respective objectives are important. You value your marriage and want to protect it. Your husband loves his mom and wants to ensure she’s cared for while guarding her dignity. The challenge is to find an agreeable solution that satisfies both.
The health of your marriage should be prioritized. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that taking in your mother-in-law will destroy your relationship. Ask yourselves, “Given what we know, how can we protect our marriage if Mom moves in with us?” That might mean a trial run and establishing clear boundaries, which she must respect if she’s to remain under your roof. If she doesn’t, it should be understood and acknowledged that “honoring” and “providing for” one’s parents doesn’t rule out other living arrangements.
Focus on the Family’s staff of licensed and pastoral counselors would be happy to be of assistance to you; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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