Q: I’m an independent thirty-something woman. But my mom still insists it’s her prerogative and responsibility as a parent to screen the men in my life. I’ve been interacting with a so-far-so-good guy online who’s finally coming to visit from out of town. But my mother says she needs a few hours with him so that she can “interview” him and tell him about me. This can’t be appropriate!
Jim: My initial reaction is that it sounds like your mom has serious control issues. Wise motherly advice is great when it’s offered in the right way. But your mom needs to learn that advice isn’t advice until it’s requested. Whatever she might think, at this stage of your life it’s not her place to tell you what to do.
If you think she’d be open to hearing your concerns, I’d suggest you talk to her about your feelings. You might say something like, “Mom, I appreciate your concern for me, but I need to make these types of decisions for myself.” Then let her know that she simply doesn’t have the right to subject your prospective boyfriends to some kind of interrogation. If she listens and agrees, you’ve gained your point. If not, you may need to keep your distance. Boundaries are good for all kinds of relationships – especially relationships with controlling and manipulative personalities.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t seek wise counsel from others who know you well. In addition, if you start getting serious with this (or another) guy, I’d strongly encourage you to enlist the help of a licensed marriage counselor. Pre-engagement counseling offers the best option for determining if your relationship is marriage material -- before the ring is purchased and the invitations mailed out. You can call our counseling team at 855-771-4357 for a referral and other resources.
Q: Our teenage son is never available to take part in family activities because he’s spending all his time with friends. Is it unreasonable to expect him to participate in family life?
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: Research shows that the teenage brain perceives social relationships through the lens of survival. In other words, if teens don’t feel connected with peers, they feel like they won’t even survive. So, there’s a lot at stake emotionally!
However, this doesn’t mean that you allow him to always be away from the family. Familial relationships are also a huge component at this age and stage of child’s development. So, it’s important to establish boundaries that reinforce balance and connection. The purpose of parenting is not to make your children happy – rather, it’s to guide your kids toward responsibility, healthy relationships and wise decisions. Developing these traits contributes to happiness and many other positive emotions.
Make sure to watch for red flags that teens are off balance, if and when they want to spend all their time with friends. These signs can include drug and/or alcohol use, sexual activity, avoidance of family relationship issues or duplicitous behavior toward others.
Again, just because it’s normal for kids to want to be away from home most of the time, that doesn’t mean it’s good for their development. The goal is healthy, connected and balanced.
• Be intentional about time spent interacting as an entire family.
• Carve out opportunities for one-on-one time. Ask for input from your son on what this time together could look like.
• Make a point to host your son’s friends in your home. Being with his buddies doesn’t mean he has to be away from your house all the time. Your influence and involvement in his life are essential! (And it may even rub off on his pals).
For more practical tips, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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