Q: My 12-year-old daughter is growing up fast -- including her perspective on clothing. As a dad, I want her to get a good handle on modesty before she becomes a teen, but I feel awkward addressing this subject with her. What’s my role here?
Jim: This question makes me glad I only had to raise two sons! Seriously, Dad is usually the first – and most influential – man in a girl’s life. That influence extends to the way he shows his appreciation for his daughter’s femininity, and in how he encourages her to express it.
As for enforcing the boundaries, if necessary, whenever possible that should be Mom’s territory. In contrast, Dad should affirm his daughter and help her understand the rationale behind the rules.
In short, a girl needs to know that her father cares about her – and that he’s acting out of a desire to protect her, not just cramping her style. This means watching for those occasions when the girl does it right. If she comes downstairs in a becoming, appropriate outfit, Dad should make a big deal of it. It’s equally important to affirm her beauty in natural and everyday settings.
On the other hand, when your daughter gets it wrong, that’s an opportunity to come alongside her and ask, “Why did you choose to wear that? What do you think it says about you and how you view your own femininity?” Use the occasion to talk about respect between the sexes – and the kind of clothes and behavior that can either nurture or undermine it. You can turn the world into a classroom to teach your daughter what it means to respect herself and to communicate that respect to others through the way she dresses.
Incidentally, our organization produces a fantastic magazine for teen girls called Brio. See FocusOnTheFamily.com or call 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
Q: My female friend is going through a divorce, and she has asked my husband for advice and encouragement. He feels he should help her, but I think she should be getting support from another woman. What do you think?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: I think you’re right, and you’re wise to have reservations. Even if your husband is gifted with unusual wisdom, and even if your friend genuinely values his opinion, it’s still vital to maintain proper boundaries in marriage.
To put it more bluntly, you and your husband need to protect your own relationship first. The kind of help your friend needs requires a level of trust and intimacy that simply isn’t appropriate between a woman and a man who isn’t her spouse. A mature, wise and caring woman would be better positioned to relate to what your friend is experiencing at this moment. If she really wants your husband’s input, invite her to come over and talk with both of you – always together.
Here’s another thought. As presumably a man of integrity and good sense, your husband needs to realize that he earned this good reputation by setting reasonable boundaries. If he wants to hold on to it, he’s going to have to maintain those boundaries and keep those fences in good repair. My advice to both of you is to get on the same team and do everything you can to prevent this from driving a wedge between you.
Focus on the Family’s staff counselors would be happy to help you sort through this further if you’d like. And of course, the team is well equipped to come alongside your friend during this difficult time and also provide referrals to local therapists. For a free phone consultation, call 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/ DalyFocus.
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