Q: Should husbands and wives have regular activities apart from each other with their friends of the same sex? I get out with some girlfriends two or three times a year and that’s plenty for me; I’d rather spend most of my time with my husband. But he likes to get together with his guy friends a couple of times each month. What are your thoughts?
Jim: So long as you aren’t shortchanging your time together as a couple, I’d suggest it’s almost always a good idea for a husband and wife to enjoy a reasonable amount of activity with their respective same-sex friends. Women need other women. Guys need guys. But that isn’t necessarily the last word.
Start by answering the question, “How would you describe your marriage?” What are your expectations for the relationship? Are those expectations being fulfilled? Give some honest thought to the quality of your relationship. When it’s just the two of you, do you enjoy one another’s company or do you find it difficult to be together? Then – how would your spouse answer those questions?
Bottom line: If you’re connecting and enjoying the time you spend together, while striking a healthy balance between friend time and couple time, I think you’re in a good place. A secure wife who cares about her husband’s enrichment is usually happy to see him forming healthy bonds with other men of solid character.
But if your husband is deliberately cutting you out of his life or trying to “escape” the relationship, I’d encourage you to give the situation some attention – preferably with the assistance of a trained marriage counselor. Our staff can help you get started; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: Our daughter is in preschool and well past the age of potty training. But she wets her pants every time she gets angry. We’ve been making her handwash her clothes when this happens, but so far the behavior hasn’t stopped. Help!
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: This is a challenging situation for parents! It’s not uncommon for children to regress when struggling with a lot of stress in life. That can include major events such as parents separating or divorcing, but it can also be connected to overwhelming “big” emotions (frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, rejection or embarrassment).
Make sure to talk with your pediatrician to address any physical issues that may arise; for example, if your daughter’s body becomes extremely rigid and tense when she gets upset. In the meantime, she can help with the washing of the clothes and learn healthy ways to manage anger. Here’s a suggested approach:
Coach her in recognizing what big emotions feel like – and gaining an element of mental control by identifying them when they show up.
As she starts to feel a big emotion, teach her to use that as an opportunity to “find her brain” by going to the bathroom.
She can then come back and begin to address whatever problem felt out of control.
Make a point of celebrating when your child manages “big emotions” without having an accident throughout the week. Examples could be going to the park, picking what the family is having for dinner and/or dessert or camping out in your family room and watching a movie together.
Keep in mind that anger is a secondary emotion that is generally an expression of something deeper. Help her learn how to communicate what she is feeling beyond: “I am angry!” Feelings charts can be great tools for kids as they develop self-awareness and skills to manage their emotions. We have tools and more tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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