Q: My fiance and I are getting married in two months. We’re excited, but also a little concerned about weathering and adapting to the ups and downs that everybody tells us will come over the years. Do you have any advice?
Jim: Dr. Richard Selzer tells a story that illustrates what growing together in marriage is all about.
One of his patients was a young woman who underwent surgery to remove a tumor from her cheek. The complicated procedure severed a nerve, paralyzing the left side of her face and leaving her smile crooked.
The young woman was devastated. When she broke down into tears, her husband offered her reassurance in a beautifully touching way. He altered the shape of his own lips to match hers – and kissed her. Then he looked deep into her eyes and said, “Don’t worry, our kiss still works.”
There comes a time in every marriage when something turns out differently than you’d hoped. In countless ways, the person you married will not be the same person five, 10 or 20 years from now. Neither will you be. Marriage changes us – so does raising children, pursuing a career and every other significant event in our lives. In those moments, love calls us not to turn away, but to alter something about ourselves that meets our spouse at their point of need.
A wedding isn’t a climactic point. It’s the beginning of a journey through life between a man and woman, both of whom continually grow and change across the years together. When couples get married, most believe they’ve found a finished statue. In reality, they’ve found the block of marble from which their spouse will emerge.
Focus on the Family has lots of resources to help you on your journey – that’s why we’re here. See FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: Over the years, my wife and I have wronged each other in every way imaginable: affairs, lies, you name it. We’ve forgiven each other and committed to rebuilding our marriage. But how can we restore trust?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: First, I commend you for your determination to fight for your marriage. That’s an encouraging sign!
When it comes to rebuilding trust, be wary of cliches and pat answers that promise quick solutions. The wall of suspicion that now stands at the heart of your relationship has taken years to build – you can’t expect to tear it down in a single day. Restoring trust takes time.
When a person has been repeatedly wounded, it’s difficult to trustagain unless they can see tangible evidence that things are going to be different in the future. Here are some things to keep in mind as you work on rebuilding trust:
1. Take personal responsibility for the damage done without shifting blame or adopting evasive tactics.
2. Focus on empathy. Sympathy is when you feel bad “for” your spouse, but empathy is when you feel bad “with” your spouse. Invite your wife to share how your behavior made her feel, and vice versa. Empathy says, “I accept responsibility for my actions, but more importantly, I care that I hurt you.”
3. Develop a precise and definitive plan to prevent further offenses.
4. Commit to seeking counseling. This includes an active resolve to sort through all problematic issues and make all necessary changes.
5. Demonstrate patience and forbearance. You both need a lot of time to heal from the hurts you’ve endured without undue pressure.
Regarding point No. 4, I hope you’ll call Focus on the Family for a free consultation with our staff counselors; the number is 855-771- HELP (4357). They can also refer you to a qualified marriage counselor in your area. I wish you the best.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog. com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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