“My child would tell me if that happened.” This is what I hear from most parents. In reality, they would not. And for those more statistically driven, it is estimated that between 1 in 4 and 1 in 10 children will become victims of sexual abuse before turning 18 years old. One study estimates 73% of children do not disclose sexual abuse for at least one year, 45% do not tell anyone for five years, and others never disclose at all. Even when there is corroborative evidence abuse has occurred – medical evidence, abuser confessions, video evidence, or eyewitnesses – up to 43% of children aren’t willing to disclose abuse ever happened. As parents, the first thing we need to understand is children rarely, if ever, disclose sexual abuse immediately. You cannot look at disclosure as an event. It is a process with many steps that can span decades. To understand the delay, you have to understand the influences at play.
Sexual predators are master manipulators. Most sexual abusers use some form of grooming. This grooming is behavior or tactics the perpetrator uses in preparation of committing the abuse. The purpose of grooming is, of course, to avoid detection.
Grooming can involve psychological manipulation so the child feels responsible for the abuse. The master manipulator will have the child convinced it is their fault – the child made the perpetrator do these things. The way to combat this with your children is to make sure they understand it would never be their fault if someone touched them or if asked to expose themselves.
In our house, we teach our kids there are no secrets. This did make the surprise birthday gift I bought for my wife last year more difficult since my daughter immediately told mommy what we picked up from the store. But that is a small price to pay to battle the other popular grooming tactic popular with the younger children: “keeping it a secret.” In a more recent case I prosecuted, the offender told the young child what he did was their “incognito mode.” For those that do not know, if you do not want Google Chrome’s web browser to save your activity, you can browse the web privately in “Incognito mode.” The offender will make the child feel like this is something special between the two of them. Since most sexual predators abuse children they know or whom they are related to, the trust is already there. However you phrase it, teach your child they should never keep a secret about someone seeing or doing something to their private parts.
Fear is also a common factor in child sexual abuse. There can be threats to harm to the child, the child’s parents, the child’s siblings or friends, even the child’s dog that he loves so much. Instead of the fear of what the abuser will do, it can be the fear of what they won’t do, like provide food. The child may just find the whole thing is scary. Fear can also be placed in the child about how the person they disclose the abuse to would react. “Your mom will be so mad when she finds out what you did.” To combat this, create an environment where your child can openly talk to you or another trusted adult without fear of punishment.
We all want to be that safe, trusted adult for our children, but maybe it is grandma or her teacher, Ms. Ashley, at school. Just make sure your child is comfortable telling a safe adult about what has happened and that it is never their fault.
One of the things I ask every juror in a sexual abuse of a child case to do is close their eyes. I ask them to picture their first or last sexual encounter. Picture who it was with, where it was, and every detail. Then I call on a random person and ask them to stand up and tell the 80 other strangers in the room all about it. Of course, no one does. Almost every adult would feel uncomfortable talking about that with a room full of strangers.
Imagine now that it was an unwanted or nonconsensual sexual experience. We would never expect an adult to go through that pain. Yet that is what we are asking a child to do. We ask a child to take the witness stand, in front of the abuser, the abuser’s family, a courtroom full of strangers, and 12 jurors and talk in detail about being sexually abused while everyone judges their testimony.
Then, we subject them to cross-examination, where they are called liars for hours on end. This is the justice system we live in. The predators know that too. They know the shame the child will fear talking about the abuse, as well as the difficulty in even finding the words.
We teach our kids to use the real words for their body parts. In our house, it is penis and vagina. This is for two reasons. First, there will be no misunderstanding. If someone touched their “bottom,” that may not mean to me what it means to my daughter. If someone touched her vagina, I know exactly what that means. Second, I want to take away some of that difficulty in explaining what happened. Yes, it will still be embarrassing and traumatizing, but hopefully less so when they have the words and confidence. To combat the shame a child may feel about disclosing sexual abuse, you have to create a safe environment for them to talk about it. When your child feels comfortable coming to you for everyday difficulties, this increases the likelihood they will approach you for serious events like sexual abuse.
Most abusers are in some kind of position of power or authority over the child. It could be an uncle, coach, pastor, etc. The child will quickly become aware it is her word versus theirs. The predator will have diminished the child’s self-esteem to manipulate them into silence. “No one will believe you,” the child will hear in their head over and over again. If a child thinks her story won’t be believed, why bother telling it? You have to reinforce the idea with your children that no one has the right to touch or see your private parts without you knowing or being present. That includes every adult: coach, doctor, teacher, preacher, etc. I tell my children that if something happens to their private parts and they tell me, I will believe them. I also teach them that if they want to tell other adults first and that person does not listen or believe them, they should keep going to their next trusted adult until someone listens and responds.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of reasons why children do not disclose. These are just the ones I have come across most frequently in my work. We can all do our part by being a trusted adult for a child to come to and creating an environment that will battle the master manipulators living amongst us called sexual predators.
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