Q: Our family loves playing sports so being limited the past couple of years has been tough. Our 8-year-old twins are finally starting league soccer this summer. My husband and I were both college athletes and we’re ultra-competitive, so we want to ensure that we maintain a healthy perspective. Do you have any advice?
Jim: I understand – I’m a competitive guy myself whose athletic career was cut short by injury before college. So, I had to temper my approach with my own sons.
We’ve all heard stories (or seen examples) of bad behavior at children’s sporting events – poor sportsmanship, yelling and even fistfights. It’s exponentially worse when parents are the ones behaving poorly! Fortunately, most parents wouldn’t dream of acting out violently. But those extreme cases aren’t the only ones that take the fun out of youth sports. Yelling at coaches, officials and players – or (especially) publicly criticizing your child’s performance – can be humiliating for all concerned.
Winning isn’t everything ... and a child’s bad game isn’t the end of the world. Your kids can develop many positive character traits through sports, even if they aren’t the best players. Ultimately, they may decide they’d rather do something else, and that’s fine; both of my sons pursued other interests as teens.
Emphasize to your kids that you’re proud of them, regardless of whether they win or lose – and prove it through your actions. Meanwhile, treat everyone connected with the game with respect. Your child is watching – and will learn from – the way you handle yourself when you disagree with a referee’s call or a coach’s decision. When moms and dads are team players and good sports, everyone wins.
Finally, I highly recommend the book “Overplayed: A Parent’s Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports” by David King and Margot Starbuck.
Q: When my wife and I get into an argument, I usually shut down. Even though we don’t fight much, I know it’s a problem that’s really hurting our marriage. Do you have any advice or techniques I could use in stressful moments that could help me engage in a healthy way?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: Kudos to you for recognizing the issue and being willing to seek help. I really like this illustration: When serious conflict impacts your relationship, do you dig a moat or build a bridge?
Digging a moat is a common defensive reaction when your marriage is suffering. It’s like an emotional trench around your heart so deep and wide that your spouse can never cross it. It’s an understandable response when you’re buried in heartache. But in the long run, a moat keeps you isolated and stuck in pain. To break free, build a bridge to your spouse by finding ways to connect with each other. Use the solid things that first drew you together to rebuild what’s been broken. That’s not easy to do, but few things worth having are. Your relationship won’t magically fix itself overnight; disconnecting from one another probably took some time, and so will reconnecting. Healing can come, but it happens one kiss, one conversation, one date night at a time.
This involves prioritizing your relationship. Put the kids to bed early occasionally to facilitate husband-and-wife time. Meet for lunch or hire a babysitter. It may seem like ordinary moments like these won’t get you anywhere -- but they’re exactly the kind of small steps that can slowly bring your relationship back together.
If conflict has damaged your marriage, remember: Don’t dig a moat. Build a bridge.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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