Q: I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions, but I’m starting to wonder if something like that might be helpful. What are your thoughts?
Jim: It’s jolting to realize we’re already at the beginning of a new calendar. Many people use this time to pause, reflect, regret, repent and resolve to make some changes. By the time the clock strikes midnight on New Year’s Eve, millions of Americans will have compiled their lists. I imagine a lot of those resolutions will be things like losing weight, getting fit and (with Christmas behind us) getting out of debt.
Every one of us is still a work in progress, so New Year’s resolutions can be a helpful exercise toward growth and positive change. I usually don’t have a specific list, but I do reflect on the past and set goals for the future. Taking personal inventory is like getting a much-needed wheel alignment on your car – it improves the ride and helps avoid potential damage.
That said, as I’ve aged (and hopefully matured), I’m learning that my personal achievements bring less satisfaction – and have far less impact – than the development of my character and giving of myself to others. The brilliant 18th century theologian and evangelist Jonathan Edwards understood this well – and at a much younger age. He was just 19 years old when he penned his well-known 70 Resolutions, and the first one was this:
Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to the glory of God ... to do whatever I think to be my duty, and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general.
As we turn the page on this year and anticipate the next, I think that’s a great resolution for all of us. Happy New Year!
Q: Our daughter went through a painful divorce a few years back after her husband left her and their two kids. However, with joint custody, he continues a relationship with her and the children. Our daughter insists that he join us for New Year’s, otherwise none of them will come. I’m not comfortable with this, but should we just cave in and let him come?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: I feel for you – this is a difficult predicament. You didn’t say what’s behind your reluctance to have your former son-in-law in the mix, but I’d guess you’re wrestling with several emotions.
You might still be hurt and angry over his abandonment of your daughter and grandkids, and the way he’s treated them since. Maybe you’ve never gotten along with him. Perhaps you have reservations about whether the current arrangement is unhealthy and potentially confusing to the kids.
While your feelings and concerns are understandable, and the situation is less than ideal, I’d still encourage you to defer to your daughter’s assessment of things. The well-being of her children is her responsibility. You only have ownership of your attitude toward her former husband.
Rather than view his joining the party as “caving in” on your part, consider it an opportunity to extend unconditional love to your former son-in-law, to deepen your relationship with and influence on your grandchildren, and to demonstrate respect for your daughter while showing how much she matters to you.
Obviously, this won’t be easy, so it’s critical that you and your spouse sit down together beforehand and get on the same page. You’ll need to set realistic expectations and support one another when everyone is together. If our staff counselors can be of assistance, call 855-771-HELP (4357). I wish you the best.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www. jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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