Q: My father wasn’t a good role model, so I feel pretty clueless about the whole parenting thing. Now my wife and I are expecting our first child. I’m eager to be a dad but also intimidated. Can you offer any insights?
Jim: I’ve always liked a quote from author Kent Nerburn: “It is much easier to become a father than to be one.” I think it explains one of the reasons why so many dads feel overwhelmed.
It doesn’t take much for us guys to feel like we’re in over our heads. When your 6-month-old baby starts wailing, you can’t make him stop. When your son is failing algebra, you can’t make him pass. If your daughter gets bullied, you can’t just make all of her hurt feelings disappear. Being a dad is much slower and subtler.
Of course, that’s what can make fatherhood seem so frustrating. We men frequently hold the reins and make things happen in our professional lives. But parenting can strip us of that sense of control. As much as we might want it to be, fatherhood isn’t like being a mechanic: We can’t fix things with the simple turn of a wrench. Even worse, sometimes we don’t know if what we’re doing is even working.
Being a successful dad starts by learning your role. Don’t try to force your child down a certain path in life; rather, walk alongside them and encourage them in their journey. It’s a process that takes a lot more patience, time and commitment than many guys are used to. But at its heart, fatherhood is a relationship. The essence of what you’re aiming for is to gently coach your kids while being their cheerleader and champion – and modeling the character traits you want to see them develop.
For more parenting tips and advice, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: I’ve heard you say that couples should have regular date nights. My husband and I try to do that, but we seem to always end up talking (even arguing) about problems at home instead of having fun and enjoying each other’s company. We could use some coaching on this one!
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: Full disclosure: my wife, Erin, and I still struggle with this ourselves! It’s often challenging to even carve out time to have a date. So, once we’re together, whatever issues are top of mind for one or both of us tend to come up. Next thing we know, what should have been an evening of fun and connection becomes an argument. By the end of the date, instead of emotionally connecting, husband and wife have drifted a little further apart.
I think it’s very important to resist the temptation to “administrate” your marriage rather than to enjoy one another’s company. Every marriage has real issues that need to be addressed occasionally (or often). Those can include financial challenges, discipline problems with kids, communication struggles, etc. There’s a time and place to confront those challenges, but it’s not on date nights.
The best way to keep your dates fun, exciting and conflict-free is to proactively plan your activities. Have specific things in mind to do – and keep to the script. Agree ahead of time that you’ll avoid certain touchy subjects. Be strategic about using things like movies, concerts or art exhibits to stimulate your conversations. Use a “discussion starter” resource to ask each other questions. You might even think back “premarriage” to when you were first dating, and revisit some of your favorite conversations and memories.
Pro tip: Occasional double dates with another couple can help keep things on track.
We have plenty of ideas and marriage resources available at our website listed above.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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