Q: After a difficult divorce, I remarried several years ago. At first my son got along OK with my new husband. But once my boy reached puberty, conflict flared into open hostility between them. I feel caught in the middle. Help!
Jim: We all know that adolescence often brings tension between a child and parents. But when you toss in the divided loyalties and confused roles that tend to happen in stepfamilies, the process becomes much more complicated.
Instead of framing this as an “either-or” situation, I suggest you approach it as a “both-and.” In other words, don’t take sides. Avoid thinking in terms of “choosing” between your husband and your son, but try to rise above the conflict and help them each see things from the other’s perspective.
In the meantime, there’s another very important principle to keep in mind. As in every stepfamily situation, you and your husband need to make your marriage a priority. If you allow parenting conflicts to pull you apart, it won’t just hurt your relationship with one another. It’s also the worst thing you can do to your child.
Commit yourselves as parents to act as a unified team. Sit down with your son and let him know exactly what you expect of him. Discuss the rules he’ll be expected to follow and agree on the consequences he’ll face if he breaks those rules. Remember that as the biological parent, you should be taking the lead when it comes to discipline. If you’re always assuming the role of “good cop,” you’re forcing your husband to play the “bad cop.” That arrangement can drive a wedge between him and your son.
If you have further questions, our counselors at Focus on the Family would be happy to assist you. Don’t hesitate to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: My 4-year-old daughter is very intelligent and imaginative. Do you have any suggestions for encouraging her creativity as she grows up?
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: Creativity is essential in art, science and business, and also allows us to express ourselves in constructive and beautiful ways – playing an instrument, cooking a meal, building furniture, etc. Helping our kids develop imagination, original thinking and innovative problem-solving is one of the greatest privileges of parenting. Here are just a few ideas:
• Let them play. Some structured activity, like a team sport, is healthy. But as she gets older, leave room in the schedule for your child to exercise her imagination and experience wonder at the world around her.
• Nurture curiosity. Toddlers are always asking “Why?” But inquisitiveness can get squelched as children get older. Use open ended questions in your conversations – from practical (“How could we clean up all these toys faster?”) to abstract (“What do you think that cloud looks like?”).
• Don’t fear boredom. Kids don’t have to be constantly entertained – especially with electronic devices. You’ll be surprised how easily imagination kicks in with just a few simple tools for creative expression. In fact, boredom can help trigger curiosity.
• Don’t micromanage creativity. By nature, innovation is about “coloring outside the lines.” Let expression be about creating, not about yielding a perfect product.
• Allow for messes. Developing creative problem-solving skills can sometimes be messy. Find a safe, appropriate place, then let your child experiment!
• Encourage “failure.” Let your child attempt things without the pressure of doing everything perfectly. If she’s taught to fear making mistakes, she’s less likely to engage the world creatively and take a confident approach to life.
• Create alongside your child. Pursuing creative interests with your child – piano lessons, baking, photography, etc. – allows for fun interaction and strengthens relational bonds.
For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily. com/parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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