Q: We’ve just adopted an infant boy. We have tons of questions but one big one: When and how should we tell him that he was adopted?
Jim: Most experts agree that a child adopted at birth should be told about it from a very early age. This can start almost as soon as they’re capable of understanding language and should be a recurring theme throughout the growing-up years. Unfortunately, some parents feel
Unfortunately, some parents feel uncomfortable discussing the topic and thus avoid disclosing it to their child. Eventually, they’re faced with having to tell an older child something that’s been kept secret. This can undermine the child’s sense of security and may result in feelings of rejection or betrayal.
You’ll want to share the facts using age-appropriate words and imagery. Your son’s adoption should always be presented in a positive light. For example, a parent might tell a twoor three-year-old that Mommy and Daddy chose him over all the other children in the world. This lets him know how special he is.
When he’s slightly older – perhaps 4 or 5 – you can explain the difference between a biological parent and an adoptive parent. Explain that he has actually had two different mothers. His first mommy took care of him inside of her tummy when he was very tiny. Then, after he was born, you brought him home from the hospital to live with you because he was extra-special.
See FocusOnTheFamily.com for more resources for adoptive parents.
Q: My two tweens have a growing problem with not telling the truth. I don’t understand why they lie or how to talk to them about it. Help!
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: Our world seems saturated with deceitfulness. Sadly, one survey of 70,000 high school students indicated that 95 percent had cheated academically in some way.
So, why do kids tell lies? One reason can be avoidance. Many people lie to avoid negatives -- pain, losing something they value, embarrassment, conflict or punishment. They may also lie to avoid hurting other people’s feelings.
Another common reason is using deception to try to gain something. It might be to fit in, appear cool, feel loved or garner admiration. Along those lines, selfishness and fear can internally push a person toward dishonesty to self-protect and try to establish a feeling of control. It’s “looking out for No. 1.” Some lies are told out of playfulness -- the “just kidding” sort -- but even those often have an underlying purpose such as wanting attention.
The point is that the behavior of lying usually comes from something else going on inside a person’s mind. So, as a first step, take some time to ask your tweens a few quick but important questions that could look something like: “I’m worried about you. I’ve
“I’m worried about you. I’ve noticed you’ve been more and more dishonest. What is going on?”
“Why do you think you’re choosing dishonesty over truth? Why aren’t you reaching for the better option?”
“What does it feel like when people lie to you? And why would it be different when you lie?”
“Is there something I’m doing that influences you to choose dishonesty?” (If you have a strong personality, it might create fears that drive others to dishonesty rather than disappointing you.)
Invest the time and effort to patiently understand the “why?” behind the dishonesty -- the experiences, relationships, beliefs, perceptions and/or emotions that might be influencing your children’s desire to lie. Be sure to model honesty and integrity yourself, assure your kids of your unconditional love and validate them when they’re honest, even (or especially) if it costs them something.
For more tips and tools for raising kids, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/ parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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