Q: We’re strongly considering adopting a baby boy from the foster-care system. He was removed from his birth home due to abuse when only a few months old. What do we need to know?
Jim: I commend you for your willingness to adopt a child from a troubled background. Our organization definitely wants to encourage you in this pursuit, but we also advise you to proceed carefully with your eyes wide open.
There’s no one-size-fits-all pattern here – every situation is unique. With that in mind, much depends on the individual circumstances of the child you’re planning to adopt and the type of foster care he received after he was removed from his home.
Some children who are neglected, abused or moved from caregiver to caregiver during their first couple of years of life can develop significant emotional and behavioral problems. They may even suffer from a phenomenon known as Reactive Attachment Disorder. However, some abused and neglected children are extremely resilient and display an astounding ability to thrive and grow once they’re settled in a stable environment.
I’d suggest that you gather as much information as you can from the child’s social worker – and, if possible, the current foster parents. This will give you some background regarding the kind of care he has received and whether or not he appears to have any emotional or behavioral problems. Even if he does, that’s not necessarily reason to forgo adoption.
If you do decide to adopt this child, consult with a psychologist who specializes in early childhood attachment. He or she can work with you, the current foster parents and the social worker to help ease the transition from the foster system to your home. Focus on the Family’s counseling staff can provide a list of qualified therapists in your area; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: My husband and I are reaching the end of our rope trying to deal with his mother, who is a lifelong hypochondriac. Most doctors simply refuse to see her anymore. She’s driven my husband’s family bonkers for years, and now this is starting to impact our relationship. When we try to ignore her behavior, she gets upset and calls continuously. I want my husband to confront her, but he’s afraid to rock the boat. What can we do?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: I feel for you; the frustrations and challenges you’re facing are very real. Unfortunately, hypochondriasis is more than just an annoying behavior – it’s a legitimate anxiety disorder that requires professional treatment. With this in mind, I’d encourage your husband and his family to explore this option.
You obviously can’t guarantee changes in your mother-in-law’s behavior, but you do need to address the challenges it presents to your marriage. It’s critical that you and your husband approach this as a team and not just something he needs to fix.
Begin by determining what you both really need and want. For you, it’s a limit on unhealthy communication with your mother-in-law. Your husband probably has the same desire, but also wants to preserve the relationship with his mom. It’s entirely possible that his mother may have instilled feelings of guilt at a young age about him “not being supportive,” so he needs to be able to address that in a healthy manner.
Once you’ve both identified your core needs, strategize and implement a solution that accommodates them. As difficult as it might be, establishing some firm boundaries with her should be a part of your plan. I recommend getting a copy of “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Our licensed or pastoral counselors would also be happy to help; see the number listed above.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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