Q: My wife and I have been talking about the importance of helping each of our four children feel more connected and secure. I guess that really means strengthening our family as a whole. So – what's your single best "pro tip"?
Jim: You've probably heard the old schoolyard rhyme: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage." If you think about it, this simple bit of poetry actually contains a blueprint for happy, successful family living.
I'd submit that marriage is the ideal foundation of the family – it's how our Creator designed things to be. That's why a husband and wife's priority should be the health of their relationship. In fact, family psychologist John Rosemond says that couples should spend 80 percent of their time strengthening their marriage, over and above the demands of their schedules or the needs of their children. If 80 percent sounds extreme to you, remember this: your kids are only as safe and nurtured as your marriage. They'll be most content when their parents' relationship is solid.
I can personally attest to the opposite from my own childhood in a broken home before becoming an orphan. Believe me, just knowing that Mom and Dad are solidly together makes a world of difference.
Beyond that, each parent should make the effort to regularly "date" each child, one on one. It doesn't have to be extravagant – maybe just an ice cream cone and engaged dialogue. But make sure to listen to them. When your kids know that you value them as unique individuals, they'll feel more secure in their place in the household.
So, it's marriage first, then kids – in that order. That's the way it's designed, and that's the way it works best. For more tips and resources to build a thriving family, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.
Q: My husband and I are having some real problems in our marriage. We desperately want to fix things, but we're completely overwhelmed trying to figure out how.
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: A marriage crisis can overwhelm everything else in life. You and your spouse probably have a long list of complaints about one another – that's typical. But I'm hopeful because you both obviously want to try to resolve them. I'd humbly suggest that you don't worry just yet about the "how"; start with the "why."
The "how" details are important, of course, because we do need practical solutions to our problems. But the mechanics of fixing a relationship won't usually breathe life back into your marriage. You have to give special attention to the "why." Think about why you fell in love in the first place – and most importantly, talk about it. What were the dreams you once held for your relationship together? What do you hope your marriage could look like if it were healthy and whole?
Answering the "why" questions are what revive connection between a husband and wife. They also motivate couples to invest the tough work necessary to heal a struggling relationship. As the saying goes, "Where there's a will, there's a way."
Once you have that foundation reestablished, then work on the "how." We have plenty of tips and resources available at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage. Our staff counselors are available to help by calling 800-232-6459. And for couples on the brink of divorce, we offer Hope Restored Marriage Intensives, which have a fantastic success rate in healing fractured relationships (see HopeRestored.com).
I'm confident that reclaiming the why can make a huge difference in your marriage. I wish you the best.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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