Q: It seems like everybody in our household has lost the ability to communicate -- none of us spend time talking anymore. I don't know how this happened or what to do about it. Help!
Jim: You're wise to try to correct this issue as soon as possible. Regular and open conversation is essential to healthy relationships. Deep down we all want to know and be known – and talking is absolutely crucial to this process.
Conversation as a family is especially important because it promotes and bolsters a sense of united identity. When kids possess a healthy sense of belonging, they're less apt to experiment with risky behaviors and far more likely to develop strong character.
I'd suggest that the dinner table is a good place to start (of course, that means you have to prioritize mealtimes together). You can encourage reluctant children by giving them your undivided attention, practicing active listening and initiating conversation. It also helps to have something to talk about – common interests, collective memories, meaningful stories, mutual accomplishments, perhaps even a shared family hobby like biking, hiking or camping.
Use emotion-based rather than fact-based language. In other words, try to get at the feelings family members are experiencing rather than focusing on the things you've been doing. To do that, avoid "yes" or "no" questions as much as possible. Instead, try to come up with personal, open-ended questions. For example:
• What has been the best and worst part of your week so far? What made it so good or bad?
• What's the most exciting thing you've heard recently?
• If you could meet anyone in the world, who would you choose -- and why?
• Name something good that someone in the family did for you this week. How did that make you feel?
For more ideas and resources to deepen family relationships, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com or call us at 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
Q: I'm concerned about my kids returning to campus with the increasing threat of school shootings. I know they're afraid, too. What can I do to help them feel safe?
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: Talking about heart-wrenching situations like school shootings can be really tricky and overwhelming. However, processing this topic with your kids helps with emotions at each age and stage of their development.
There's no uniform approach for processing these situations with your kids. Consider your child's age, personality and awareness of these events. Most importantly, listen to them. Here are some tips for talking to your kids.
0-8 years old
The less exposure to news, the better for young minds.
Avoid overtalking. Allow your child to ask questions.
Keep in mind that many times younger children are worried because they see others are worried.
9-12 years old
Don't force them to talk if they're not ready.
They want to know how this applies to their life. Be ready -- anxious personalities will have questions.
Gather facts together. Avoid oversharing gruesome details or images.
13-18 years old
Monitor your teen's emotional and mental state.
Show them how to process rather than what to think.
Talk about safety plans and focus on listening to your teen.
Remember that your child's emotions should not be avoided, ignored or silenced. You are foundational in teaching them how to process and respond to news and tragedy. Help them notice highlights from their day. I like to tell families to place a highlighter on the table to remind us that our minds often highlight things.
Discuss what each person's mind highlights throughout the day -- good, bad, scary or amazing. Talk through the highlights to intentionally prioritize your family's emotional and mental well-being.
For more practical parenting tips, visit our website listed above.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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