Q: My divorce was finalized recently. But over the past few weeks, I’ve become concerned about how this family breakup is impacting our preschooler. I wonder if maybe we could have made a better go of it. Should I consider remarrying my ex-spouse for the sake of our child?
Jim: By its very nature, divorce often involves plenty of anger and bitterness. So if your ex-spouse has no desire to continue the relationship, there probably isn’t much you can do to change their mind.
But – if you’re both willing to move beyond the hurts and resentments of the past, there’s a chance you could put your relationship back together again. And you’re right – that would be in your child’s best interests.
During a separation or divorce, it’s common for each of the spouses to focus on what the other party needs to change. But genuine growth and healing involves honest self-evaluation. Are you aware of ways that you may have contributed to the breakup of your marriage? Examine yourself honestly to see clearly into your own motives and blind spots. A divorce recovery class, possibly at a local church, can be very helpful in this regard.
If your former spouse is willing to go through the same type of self-examination process, there may eventually be a point when you’re both ready to seek counseling together. That’s when you can start taking definite steps toward restoring your marriage. This all takes time, patience and wisdom – and I believe prayer is a major component. But your efforts can be successful if both of you are prepared to do the hard work required.
Our staff counselors would be happy to help; call 855-771-HELP (4357). I’d also mention that our organization has a very successful program to help save “hopeless” marriages – visit HopeRestored.com. I wish you the best.
Q: It’s been several years since our wedding – and married life hasn’t been what either my husband or I envisioned. We love each other, but we’re discouraged. Do you have any advice?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: Many – maybe even most – couples struggle with what their marriage is compared to what they dreamed it would be. So often, they fail to consider whether the expectations they had on their wedding day were realistic in the first place.
It’s common for dating couples to dream of marital bliss. In the early stages of romance, they can’t imagine feeling discontent or disappointed with their spouse, or not having meaningful conversations into the wee hours. And disagreements? What disagreements?
But those expectations usually hit a speed bump once you’re married. Working and paying bills gets monotonous. Then there are the stressors. Maybe one spouse loses their job, or a baby is born, impacting the couple’s finances. Real life sets in. The dreams begin to fade.
Here’s the key point: Good marriages aren’t built on lofty expectations. They’re patiently developed through the ups and downs of day-to-day, yearto-year life experience together.
So, if your relationship isn’t everything you’d hoped, consider what you’d originally hoped for. Perhaps some of your expectations were unrealistic in the first place. If that’s the case, cast a new vision for your marriage. But this time, temper those dreams with less fairy tale and more real life. And this is especially important: Design and craft that vision based on your individual and mutual strengths that you have identified so far through time together. Furthermore, always be looking for ways to build on what you’ve learned. Your marriage can – and should – be greater than the sum of its parts.
For more tips, assessment tools and insights on how to build a strong and thriving marriage, visit FocusOn-TheFamily.com/marriage.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www. jimdalyblog.com or at www. facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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