Q: My husband and I frequently take care of our grandchildren for our son and his wife. They both work full-time and have extremely busy lives – probably too busy. We love being with the kids. But do you think this is a healthy arrangement?
Jim: It’s obvious that you love your grandkids and their parents, and there’s certainly nothing wrong with helping out as needs arise. But much depends on the attitudes and expectations of your son and his wife. If you feel unappreciated or put upon – even just a bit – then something probably needs to change.
I’d encourage you to establish appropriate boundaries to ensure your interactions with your son and his whole family remain positive. Arrangements like what you’ve described work best when everyone agrees on specific parameters. For example, you can say, “We’ll watch the kids two afternoons a week through September while you finish this graduate course.” But if things remain vague and openended, you’ll likely begin to resent it.
Setting reasonable boundaries can be challenging, especially if you’re operating out of a guilty sense of obligation – or your own co-dependent needs. Neither leads to healthy relationships, so be honest with yourselves. Talk and pray about the situation to determine if your motives are actually contributing to the problem.
Grandparents have a critical role to play in the lives of their grandkids. However, remember that in most circumstances it’s best for the parents to be the primary caregivers – that’s their job. If you honestly feel that Mom and Dad are missing out on opportunities to strengthen their connection with their own children, it may be in everyone’s best interests if you don’t make yourselves so available.
If you’d like to speak with our staff counselors about your concerns, I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: My preteen son is increasingly rebellious. Almost overnight he no longer listens to anything I (Mom) say. It seems like he hates me and I’m afraid of him rejecting me. He ignores me and his mood changes all the time. Is this normal? Should I be concerned?
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: These are critical years in your son’s life. Even though rebellious behaviors are normal during this developmental stage, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re competing with other influences over him. But this is a season where you, as his mom, still have a powerful influence on your son’s heart and mind. It will take time, energy and unconditional love with some investigation thrown in.
While you explore your son’s attitude and emotions, consider these three important steps toward a healthier and more connected relationship:
Ask questions. Behaviors are symptoms of something deeper. Consider if there may be peer issues going on or if there have been big changes in your home. For example, you could say, “I’ve noticed you becoming more rebellious lately and more disconnected from us. We love you and are concerned. What are you wanting us to hear through how you are acting toward us?”
Carve out intentional and consistent one-to-one time. Pre-teens respond well to consistency. Find opportunities to do activities together that you both enjoy. Be patient as you work with him in his pursuit of autonomy and relationships.
Provide necessary boundaries. He needs limits with love and warmth. Authority in your home is not up for grabs. So, follow through on clearly defined limits and consequences.
This stage combined with rebellion is not easy. Lean into your support system to help you stay emotionally balanced and to maintain perspective as you guide your son into the teen years.
For more tips, see FocusOn TheFamily.com/parenting.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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