Q: I have to admit that my temper gets the best of me. When my husband or kids push my buttons, I just “let it out” (with words, not violence). That’s how my parents lived and how I was raised. Is there any way I can change?
Jim: Many people see anger as an uncontrollable emotion. But that’s false. You can control how you express your anger – in fact, you probably already do it.
Here’s an example: You and your spouse are in the car heading to your friends’ home for dinner. What should be a fun evening is already marred by a heated argument you’re having. With no one else around, you’re both giving full vent, snapping at each other all the way across town. You might even continue arguing as you’re walking up to your friends’ porch.
But – what happens as soon as your friends open the front door? Suddenly, you and your spouse are all smiles and behaving like everything’s great between you. By unspoken agreement, you’ve both put a lid on how you express yourselves.
The issue isn’t that you don’t have the ability to control your emotion. It’s that you don’t want to exercise that ability. Anger is a powerful emotion, and you may feel better letting your frustration spew all over your family. But uncontrolled anger usually causes more damage than it helps. Anger can be restrained – but it’s a choice that takes deliberate, conscious effort.
If you need help to start dealing with anger in a healthy way – and addressing the root causes behind it – I’d invite you to speak with one of our staff counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: My husband has spent the past several years in prison. He has owned up to his crime, served his punishment and worked hard to become a better and different person while incarcerated. He’s getting paroled next month. I’m eager to have him back home and resume a normal relationship – but I’m also feeling anxious about what to expect. Do you have any advice?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: It’s wise to address these questions now. You know better than anyone that your marriage has suffered serious trauma, so you’re well advised to guard against unrealistic expectations. This isn’t a situation of just picking up where you left off. You and your husband will both need to intentionally prepare yourselves for some significant changes.
First off, I’d encourage you to talk things over in-depth with your husband before his release, either in writing or during a face-to-face visit. You might communicate something like, “I still love you and am willing to trust you again, but I’m wrestling with lots of doubts and unanswered questions.”
Be realistic about deep emotional issues or problems from the past that might need to be addressed. Your husband must understand and be willing to resolve these concerns if there’s any hope for a thriving relationship. You’d be wise to enlist help from an objective and trusted third party in preparing for those conversations.
I’d also recommend communicating with corrections officials (if you haven’t already) to learn about your husband’s track record during his imprisonment. Is he truly a reformed man? Or is it likely that old behaviors will emerge once he’s out? These questions may be vital to your own safety and the well-being of any children at home.
With this last thought in mind, I’d strongly suggest that you consider separate living arrangements – at least initially – while getting marriage counseling from a trained therapist. Our staff would be happy to provide you with a list of qualified counselors in your area; see Jim’s answer above for the number to call. I wish you the best.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www. jimdalyblog.com or at www. facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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