Q: I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. My parents hurt me in many ways. But now they’re aging and losing the ability to look after themselves. Given the past, I’m not sure how I feel about caring for them. What’s my obligation here?
Jim: I understand what it’s like to grow up in a badly dysfunctional family – and sadly, situations like ours are fairly common. Many adults carry the scars of a painful childhood. When we look back, even at the recent past, we may remember only abuse and neglect from people who were closest to us.
As hard as it may be, I believe it’s important for you to reach out to your parents during this difficult time – and to forgive them. Respecting and caring for our elders, even when they’re not seeking our forgiveness, is a choice. True honor is placing the highest value on our loved ones whether or not they deserve it.
I get it: You can’t change the painful events of your childhood or alter your parents’ choices. But you can make the deliberate decision to not allow their problems to have continual power over you. Choose to look for the good in your parents, no matter how meager or unrefined, and honor them in spite of their flaws.
It’s important to note that caring for your parents doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with everything they say or giving in to their every demand. It simply means doing what you can – within a realistic framework – to live at peace with them while they’re still here. It means making wise choices that will keep your conscience clear. When they’re gone, you don’t want to look back on this time and regret not reaching out to them.
Our staff counselors would be happy to help you sort through these matters if you’d like; call 855-771-HELP (4357).
Q: As my fiancé and I are planning our wedding, we’re already starting to encounter some tension as we talk about money – not just budgeting for the ceremony but also how we’ll manage our finances once we’re married. Do you have any advice?
Dr. Greg Smalley, vice president, Marriage & Family Formation: Money is one of the greatest areas of conflict in any marriage. It’s easy to understand why. When two people – with different personalities, training, goals, priorities and maybe even value systems – come together and share monetary assets, it’s a recipe for tension.
Financial strategy is an essential aspect of preparing for marriage; in fact, I actually advise couples to prepare a combined budget well before the wedding. This involves determining how you’re going to make financial decisions, who sets the budget, who pays what bills, how much to save, etc. You should also address your respective beliefs about credit cards and any debt that either or both of you are bringing into the marriage. Go deep on topics like student loans, children (when and how many), expectations about whether/ when to buy a house and other lifestyle considerations.
It’s been well said that marital money problems are actually communication problems. In other words, most of the financial conflict that occurs in marriage can be avoided if the couple invests time talking through these issues prior to the wedding.
When a couple can’t discuss finances, they’ll almost certainly have serious issues showing up in other areas of their life together. Values, goals, priorities, philosophies, training – it’s important to understand all of these things about yourself and your intended spouse before you get married.
If I may, I’d humbly suggest the book “Ready to Wed,” Dr. Greg and Erin Smalley, general editors. Meanwhile, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage for more tips and tools.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www. facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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