Q: What’s the balance – or difference – between forgiveness and reconciliation in a case of marital infidelity? A year ago, I discovered that my husband had resumed a previous long-term emotional affair with a friend of mine. Their relationship has ended now, and I believe I’ve forgiven him. But I’m still having a hard time trusting or feeling any affection for him.
Jim: My heart goes out to you and the deep hurt you’ve experienced. There are, in fact, some very significant distinctions between forgiveness and reconciliation. For example, forgiveness is an individual decision, while reconciliation is a joint venture.
Forgiveness is a vital element in the larger process of reconciliation; without true forgiveness there can be no reconciliation. But a person can forgive without necessarily being reconciled. Much depends on the other individual’s response.
There’s also an important difference between the choice of forgiveness and the emotion of forgiveness. Once you’ve determined to let go of a past offense, it can sometimes take a fair amount of time for your feelings to catch up with your willful decision. Change of this magnitude generally doesn’t happen overnight.
Your emotions are completely understandable given the circumstances. So your husband must allow you the time you need to work through those feelings of betrayal and invalidation. He also has to realize that true reconciliation requires his response to your forgiveness – by taking the initiative to rebuild trust into the relationship. That means acknowledging his betrayal, entering into your pain and daily demonstrating his fidelity, reliability and trustworthiness as a person. That’s what repentance is all about. Meanwhile, your task is to stay open to trusting him again in spite of the baggage of the past.
If you’d like to discuss your situation further with one of our staff counselors, I invite you to call 855- 771-HELP (4357). I wish you the best.
Q: I’m beginning to think my 5-year-old son is overly attached to his mother. Some days it’s almost impossible to separate him from her. Only Mom can clean him up when he makes a mess, and only Mom is allowed to read the bedtime story. He insists that she sit in the back seat of the car with him. Will he outgrow this?
Dr. Danny Huerta, vice president, Parenting & Youth: It’s important to understand that your son isn’t rejecting you. For now, he simply feels more secure with his mom. It’s likely he’ll outgrow this phase in time if you respond with love, patience and persistence. But there are some things you can do that may help the process along.
First, make sure you and your wife are on the same page. Express your concerns openly, and if she agrees that there may be a potential problem, enlist her help in finding more opportunities for you to bond with your son.
Try to determine what makes him feel comfortable with Mom – and uncomfortable without her. Be a “thought detective” and an “emotions interpreter.” If he has a sensitive personality and is generally fearful, she can help reinforce that you’re a safe person and you love him very much.
Do as many things as possible together as a family so he can become more accustomed to the dynamic. Provide relational safety through smiles, affection, laughter and playfulness. Be persistent and patient.
Schedule plenty of “dad time” together. Explore activities that interest him or match his personality. As he feels known and understood, accompanied by laughter and fun together, you’ll foster that sense of secure attachment.
If the problem persists, or if your wife is reluctant about you taking a more involved role with your son, you’re welcome to contact our staff counselors at the number above.
Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.
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